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Ecoholic Audit

By Adria Vasil

So you've seen the lists that tell you to know change your lightbulbs, drive less, and take shorter showers but, yawn, you know all that already. What about the rest of the stuff - all the tiny details that quietly transform your home into an toxic haven or green heaven? Score yourself on our handy dandy checklist to make sure you're on path to Ecoholic redemption (check all the boxes that apply to you).
1. Bye Bye Boreal-forest: All the paper products in your home are 100 per cent recycled and chlorine-free (yes, that includes the stuff you swipe your butt with).
If you're buying the regular stuff you're blowing your nose, wiping your ass, and printing your recipes out on virgin old growth forests.

No virgin for my bum!
I like to see the contrast on the brilliant white of my cholorinated products.
2. Plastic ain't so fantastic: You've purged your home of all bad petroleum-based plastics.
That means no vinyl aka PVC (especially the soft squishy kind you find in shower curtains and cheap vibrators) and polycarbonates (clear hard plastic water and baby bottles).

Duh. Like I want to intake all that leech.
PV-what?
3. Unplug the planet: Do you unplug your electronics when not in use?
Most of your electronics keep pulling phantom power from the socket even when you ain't watchin.' Putting your TV, DVD and stereo player on a power bar and flicking it off when you're not watching will save watts of power. If all the gear that use standby power in Canada were limited to only pulling one watt, we could power 400,000 homes
I always unplug - besides, who wants to worry about a power surge wrecking my tech toys?
My electronics still draw power even when it's off?!
4. Sticky situation: You've finally dumped every last non-stick surface in your house.
(yes, even the wok and waffle iron)

Yes, even if my yolks break every now and then.
But how am I going to have perfect pancakes?
5. Fishy situation: You steer clear of endangered fish like Chilean seabass, orange roughy, swordfish, or classic sturgeon caviar.
Keep a SeaChoice.ca pocket guide in your wallet for a more detailed list of fish that gets the red or green light.

Why let me pull out my guide now...
Sigh. But they're so tasty..!
6. Squeaky Green: You've said so long to Mr. Clean, and haven't bought into Tide Naturals-type greenwash.
You're pantry is safely stocked with earth friendly cleaning and laundry alternatives.

My home is so green, it's sprouting.
Green isn't clean enough!
7. Body Check: Okay, so maybe not all your personal care products are totally natural yet but you're in transition and making the switch.
This means avoiding petroleum-based ingredients, cancer-linked parabens, and any crap labeled antibacterial, stocking up on health store shampoos, toothpaste, lotions and cosmetics.

They make me feel like a natural (wo)man...
My products have more chemical ingredients than I can easily count...
8. Lovin the Local: You buy the apple from Ontario over the apple from New Zealand.
You shop at real farmers' markets when you can. You eat in season as much as you can.

Slow-food all the way!
I need my tropical fruits and imported goods.
9. Scent of a killer: Your home is safe from fake smells - that means no air fresheners, no scented candles, and the only stuff making your bod smell good are made with essential oils.
This is a tough one since synthetic fragrances are absolutely everywhere, but what ingredient lists don't tell you is that the word fragrance is hiding hormone disrupting phthalates - compounds that are lodging themselves in our tissues.

The real stuff smells so much better anyway. Why pollute my abode?
I need the fake smells to hide the fact that I need to do laundry more often.
10. Dressed for success: You have at least one organic cotton/hemp/soy clothing thingy and you think second hand shopping is the most fashionable form of recycling.

Of course, who doesn't?
Isn't soy for eating?
11. Trashed: Bulky packaging drives you mad so naturally you avoid it whenever you can.
Oh and you never, never dump your old batteries, paint cans, chlorine-heavy cleaners in the garbage but bring them to your hazardous waste depot or municipal Environment Day instead.

I always choose less-bulky packaging!
Packaging makes me feel that my purchase will be in better condition.

12. Check yourself before you wreck yourself: Do you slip your shoes off at the door?
You wouldn't walk barefeet through urban streets so why would you drag all that crap from the outside world into your home? An EPA study found that pesticide levels were 400 times higher in shoe-friendly homes. Hell, how else do you think PCBs and DDT have been found lodged in carpet fibres?
Ewww... who wears shoes inside your home?!
Inside... outside... it's all the same!
13. R Factor: Do you try to remember that reducing and reusing are the most important Rs of environmentalism?
The last thing we need is more useless stuff in this world being manufactured, packaged and landfilled within minutes or months of you buying it. So when you're out and about in the retail world you try to ask yourself, "do I really, really need this?" Can I make do without it? Can I buy it used? Can I borrow it from a pal? Can I have joint custody of it (a la CarShare)? Hell, can I even make it myself?
I have the three R's tattooed on my.. uh.. well, they're tattooed.
Reading, writing and 'rithmatic, right? .... right!?

Score: 0

Okay, I won't lie, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Don't despair. Just get movin.' Like, now.

Score: 1-4

You try to make conscious choices, but it feels like an upward climb sometimes. Just think of this list as inspiration for the year ahead. Same as dieting, don't try to do it all at once – we don't need no overwhelmed drop-outs!

Score: 5-6

Good on ya mate. You've put some thought into living a greener path but you ain't in the clearing yet. Stay motivated by rewarding new green deeds with a scoop of organic ice cream, some fair trade chocolate, hell even a solar vibrator.

Score: 10-13

You're a treehugging earth-loving champ, whether you hug trees or not. Now go forth and multiply (not by makin' babies, of course, but by spreading the word and showing everyone else how fulfilling and fun being a green freak can be – wee!). Just don't get cocky. There's always more to do (see other story).

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WEDNESDAY | MAY | 16 | 2012

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