Welcome to NOW's eighth annual Love and Sex Guide where we parse and present the most intimate details of how we live and love ourselves and others. Thanks to all of you who answered the call to respond to our questionnaire. You share in presenting this special issue.

By Alice Klein, Photos by Darren Stehr Questionnaire by Scott Nisbet

Who are we?

We are a fascinating slice of love and sex life. Gals outnumber the guys in this survey 54 per cent to 46 per cent. But about 20 per cent of us find it tricky to choose a male/female label in that either/or way. And the reason isn't necessarily about sexual preference. In fact, the least likely group to be conflicted about choosing a gender identity are queer men. (Only 11 per cent say it's tricky for them.) Women dominate more in the younger age groups, but that switches up as the years progress. The 18-to-24 age group is 63 per cent women; among the over-50s only 38 per cent. Apparently, younger guys, like older women, are not as into talking about their sex lives as their counterparts.

Most survey respondents - three-quarters of the women and two-thirds of the men - are 18 to 35.

Seventy-three per cent of men and 69 per cent of women are strictly into the opposite sex, while 11 per cent of men and only 5 per cent of women are exclusively interested in people of the same sex. A substantial 16 per cent of the men and 26 per cent of women like it with either gender.

But once again, sexual preference and labels are two different things. Eighty-six per cent of both sexes identify themselves as straight, and only 14 per cent say they are queer. So almost one in five of us who describe ourselves as straight actually find both sexes a turn-on. Same is true for a whopping 44 per cent of those of us who describe ourselves as queer. Sexual evolution is obviously alive and well among us. And as we search and often find bliss in our own way, we're creating a new, more honest and open sexual culture. As you can see from the chart, it's more or less working. Welcome into our lives.

Which is greater?

• The number of people you've had sex with.
• The number of people you've dated.
• The number of people you've dated.

Dates are rarer than sex-mates. Of the respondents, 26 per cent said they've had sex with at least as many people as they've dated, while 40 per cent have had sex with more people than they've dated. Of course, if you are queer guy, it's not even a question; 73 per cent have had sex with more people than they've dated. But you knew that.

You said...

• I don't date. I have sex and get married.
• Always the fuck buddy, never the girlfriend.
• Dated lots of girls until age 34, when the light bulb went on that I was playing for the wrong team.
• Chances are if I kiss you I'm going to fuck you.
• Do prostitutes count?
• Sex is easier than dating.

What is your favourite part of sex?

• Anticipation.
• Foreplay.
• Orgasm.
• Cuddling afterwards.

And the winner is foreplay. But get this: straight women are least into this popular pastime. Forty-three per cent make it their fave, versus 49 per cent of straight men.

Should also be obvious who likes to cuddle most, right? Wrong. A larger proportion of straight women than of any other group cite orgasm as their favourite part of sex (29 per cent, compared to 25 per cent of all men), while queer guys choose cuddling as the best part more often than other groups (13 per cent compared to 8 per cent for all).

You said...

• That very first moment of penetration. Daydreaming, which fuels anticipation.
• Who the fuck would like cuddling more than an orgasm?
• I would say orgasm, but it's never happened... shit!
• It's like asking what's your favourite part of a pizza. It all works together deliciously.
• I chose foreplay, but actually it's hearing and seeing my girl moan, scream and squirm.
• What part of sex is bad?

When you think of your past relationships, which usually came first?

• An emotional connection.
• A physical connection.

Oh my god, some things in life really are 50/50. Like when it comes to how we rate the importance of the emotional versus the physical in drawing us into relationship, pretty much half of us go one way and half the other. But get this: the younger we are, the more likely it is that the emotional takes precedence over the physical. The whole matrix is counterintuitive. For example, those who choose cuddling as their favourite part of sex are also way more likely than the norm to be drawn into relationship by the physical rather than the emotional (65 per cent versus 50) and vice-versa. Who said sex isn't mysterious any more?

You said...

• Drinks and drugs?
• I met my husband on what was meant to be a one-night stand.
• need to emotionally attach, even superficially, to be able to orgasm.
• If the physical connection is too strong at first, there's no chance to really get to know each other.
• Sex and emotions have almost nothing to do with one another.
• Sometimes the physical helps to create the emotional.

Do you generally freshen your breath right after giving someone oral?

• Always.
• Occasionally, if the session left a bad taste in my mouth.
• What's the hurry?
• I don't give oral.

Only a small number of us (13 per cent) are particularly worried one way or another about freshening the breath after oral, but if you are a guy who is single and queer, odds of a breath mint popping up quicker than a smoke almost double (22 per cent). On the other extreme, 8 per cent of straight women and 6 per cent of straight men don't even give oral (while the same is true for 2 or 3 per cent of same-sex lovers). Not so surprising, that percentage doubles (16 per cent) among those who say their sex life is a total bomb. Hmmmm.

You said...

• In intimacy there is no hygiene.
• Luckily, my boyfriend has delicious spunk.
• No need to make a mad dash to the Scope if the men drink plenty of pineapple juice.
• Grand Marnier is a great mouthwash.
• I love to kiss someone after they have been down on me.
• Vegetarians taste so much better.

Share a sexy secret of yours that would surprise or shock others.

What's the greatest number of times you've had sex in a day (24 hours)?

• 0
• 1-3
• 4-5
• 6-7
• 8-9
• 10 or more

A third of us are in the mere one-to-three-times-a-day category (35 per cent). Same per cent (35) have maxed out at four to five times as their per diem. Only about 11 per cent of us have the drive and commitment it takes to get it on eight or more times in one 24-hour period. But speaking of drive and commitment, here's some new math of non-monogamy for you. The percentage who have done it more than eight times in one day doubles among those who see open relationship as a best-case scenario.

You said...

• Do hours count? I lost count of the sex, but know it was eight hours.
• Girls have much more stamina than boys!
• It was with three guys, having them more then 10 times each.
• It's quality, not quantity.
• Six times - we would have gone more but we ran out of condoms.
• We were going for a record but the relationship ended first.
• Only soreness can stop me.
• If you do it right the first three times, there's no reason to do it any more.
• It got tiresome toward the end.
• Sixteen times - I was 19 and she was a 31-year-old French teacher at a Catholic school.

Have you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time?

• Yes I have been in love with more than one person at the same time.
• I could only ever be in love with one person at a time.
• I've never been in love.

In case you're wondering, love does abound. True, it keeps some waiting. Fourteen per cent of those who are single (3 per cent for partnered) have yet to fall in love. But among those many who have been tapped by Cupid's wand, close to half have found themselves getting a double dose at some point.

You said...

• I have evolved to successful emotional detachment.
• It didn't work with either one because they both found out.
• So many men, so little time.
• Wish my partners were secure enough to be able to handle it.
• Anybody who says they can only be in love with one person at a time is a brainwashed drone.
• I love my wife and my married lover equally... and my lover loves me and her husband equally.
• It is addictive, dangerous and energizing!
• One was for his brain, the other for his cock.

Your most exciting sex has been with:

• A stranger.
• A casual lover.
• Someone to whom you have a strong emotional attachment.
• Someone to whom you once had a strong emotional attachment.

Not surprising perhaps that singles are much more likely to have had their best sex with a stranger or a casual lover than those who are partnered (45 per cent versus 27 per cent). And those who are in relationship are way more likely to have had their hottest sex with someone to whom they are emotionally attached (64 per cent versus 35 per cent). The hotness of ex sex is also more highly rated among singles (20 per cent say it's the best, compared to 9 per cent of the partnered).

But data mining uncovers some surprising gems. Those who find emotional connection is what draws them into relationship are not as likely as average to have had their best sex with a mate to whom they are emotionally attached. Meanwhile, those who find the physical starts them off are more likely than the norm to have had their best sex with someone to whom they are deeply connected. Is that a life lesson or just weird?

You said...

• Myself!
• Ex sex is scarily fantastic.
• A casual lover who morphed into becoming my boyfriend... now the sex is better than ever.
• It was actually someone I hated!
• The threesome was the best. No attachments and it was all about me!
• There's nothing more electric than falling into an affair with someone you've known for years.
• With my soulmate. He's unleashed the beast within me.
• My boss - he was out, I was not.
• My cousin's girlfriend, while they were together. The best sex I ever had.

What are your thoughts on open relationships?

• Win-win situation.
• Challenging but worthwhile.
• Good idea but not workable.
• Beginning of the end.

About a third of us think it's a fine concept but just not workable. But somehow the queer brothers and sisters find the whole open thing a lot more doable (43 per cent say it's win-win or challenging but worthwhile, while among those who are opposite-sex exclusive, only 27 per cent agree). Women are a little less likely to be into it, while singles are a little more "open," so to speak. Among those many who actually have been in love with more than one person, 38 per cent say ditching monogamy may solve their dilemma.

You said...

• I think it's stupid. Trying to get the best of both worlds.
• I've had various open relationships, which require maturity. It's hard work, but I relish the human experience.
• We swing but would never cheat.
• If you can't have everything with the person you're with, then you're with the wrong person.
• Rooted in delusion.
• It's like communism - it looks great on paper.

Have you ever been in an open relationship?

• I am right now.
• Been there, done with that.
• Not now, but maybe later.
• Never have, never will.

A solid majority of us have tried or are willing to try an open relationship, while 40 per cent say never have, never will. But if you are a queer guy, chances are much lower that you rule out the whole idea. So if you need advice, you know who to go to. By the way, two-thirds of those who think open relationships are win-win or challenging but worthwhile are actually in one right now. So are about 2 per cent of those who figure open is the beginning of the end. Our hearts go out, my friends.

You said...

• If a man is willing to share me emotionally and physically, he clearly does not think I'm priceless.
• My husband, child and lover get along really well and there's more love in the world. Everyone wins.
• It was heartbreaking. Especially since it was established after a year of monogamy.
• Just another excuse to fuck around.
• Closed doesn't have to mean monogamous. A couple who plays together stays together.
• Dying to be in one but can't get from the theoretical to the practical.
• I'd rather just say I'm single.
• That's the only way I can love now.
• Try everything once.

How far have you gone in a public setting?

• French kissing.
• Genital fondling.
• Oral.
• Penetration.
• None of the above.

Public sex is so common it may be an overlooked cause of environmental warming. Forty-five per cent report that they have played with penetration in a public place. Among the married, the proportion is even higher (52 per cent). My, my. Queer brothers and sisters make up for a slight lag in public penetration participation (35 per cent) with a heartier taste for publicly performing oral (25 per cent compared to 11 per cent for straights). On top of that, so to speak, another one out of four of us has enjoyed genital fondling or being fondled in the company of whomever.

You said...

Got caught, didn't stop.

We had sex at a posh lawn bowling club, a baseball park and in the middle of a four-lane road in one night.

I've licked my guy's penis discreetly while waiting for the subway.

The cops were called... they were watching for a while before we noticed them.

Back-alley drunk fuckfests are not as fun as they sound.

Had sex in a condo under construction and then stole some furniture.

What's the most annoying habit you've experienced with a past or present lover?

When it comes to relationship advice, you consider yourself:

• A wise oracle.
• A devout follower.
• A total hypocrite.
• A non-participant.

It appears we have many wise ones among us. Forty-three per cent, in fact, describe ourselves as oracles. So much advice, so few takers. Only 11 per cent are looking to follow our sage advice. But there's a good reason. Twenty-six per cent of women and 21 per cent of men describe themselves as total hypocrites. I guess that's one reason why 26 per cent of men and 18 per cent of women choose to opt out of the whole advice issue altogether.

You said...

• Clueless.
• I'm single, but I give great advice.
• I can figure out anyone's relationship issues except mine.
• I give them advice so they will sleep with me.
• I never realize I'm doing the opposite of what I'd advise someone else to do until I've already done it.
• I'm a wise hypocrite.
• Giving is easy; swallowing is hard.

Have you ever been aroused by erotica/porn that is contrary to your sexual orientation?

• Yes, and it surprised the hell out of me.
• Yes, but it wasn't life-altering.
• Not yet.
• I don't read/watch porn.

Join the club: most people have been aroused by erotica/porn that is not targeted to their sexual persuasion. For women, we're talking 73 per cent and for men 54 per cent. But only about 12 to 14 per cent of us find it at all surprising - least surprised of all are queer men. Only 8 per cent of guy-on-guy fans are shocked to find themselves aroused by straight porn.

You said...

• A lesbian who loves gay male porn. Go figure.
• It eventually made me realize I'm attracted to the same sex.
• There isn't much that is contrary to my sexual orientation.
• I find lesbian porn hotter than straight porn, and I'm not really into vaginas!
• I like sleeping with men, but I only watch lesbian porn.
• Gay porn was how I discovered I was bisexual.
• I am a bisexual. It was a bit of a shock to my 13-year-old self at the time, though.
• Strap-on porn does it for me.
• What can I say - trannies are hot.

Have you asked someone you were attracted to about their sexual orientation?

• Yes, and I got the answer I was hoping for.
• Yes, but it was awkward.
• No, but I've wanted to.
• I always know without asking.

Time for the gaydar test. It's complicated. Straight people are much more likely to know without asking (41 per cent) than queer folks (25 per cent). On the other hand, more hetero folks have wanted to ask but didn't (30 per cent versus 22 per cent for straights). Asking is a little more awkward for same-sex lovers, especially the guys (22 per cent queer men versus 8 per cent for straight guys). But happily, queer people are also much more likely to get the answer they are hoping for if they do ask (34 per cent for queers versus 20 per cent for straights).

You said...

• I was fairly sure about their orientation, but it was in a conservative Christian environment and there were a lot of risks involved for both of us.
• You always have to ask when you're gay!
• I fell in love with two gay guys in high school. They ended up together. My gaydar is super-keen now.
• Yes, and I didn't get the answer I wanted, half-naked man at Pride. I should have known.
• Gaydar is a beautiful thing.
• I don't really care what their sexual orientation is, I'll just flirt my little ass off anyways.
• I've asked out way too many lesbians.

You first became aware of your fetish or kink through:

• Interaction with a person.
• A movie, magazine or book.
• The Internet.
• I don't have a fetish or kink.

In case you were feeling alone, almost everyone believes they have a fetish or a kink. We're talking three out of four here. Only 25 per cent of men and 30 per cent of women say they don't have one. Single women are the most likely to report they don't have a fetish or a kink (32 per cent), while single men are most likely to have one (only 22 per cent say no). Most of us (38 per cent) have discovered our unique turn-on through personal experience, while guys are more likely than gals to have become aware of an exotic sexual taste through the Internet (22 per cent versus 13 per cent). Movies, books or mags have led to a surprise awakening for close to one out of five (23 per cent of queer sistas and bros, and 17 per cent for those who look to opposites to attract).

You said...

• The Middle East conflict.
• I've felt kinky all my life.
• Nothing like good old Anaïs Nin to get you kinky.
• Stealing my brother's porn and reading the "articles" at 12 years old.
• The book was Nancy Drew, in a scene where she got tied up. I was eight.
• Wrestling with guy friends made me realize that I am gay and love to be dominated physically.
• Humping a pillow in Grade 4, I realized I liked masturbating with friends around.
• Watching my sister shop for panties.
• When some weird guy at school tried to smell my feet after a basketball game
• I'm not kinky... my slave is.

Which animated character from a movie, television or comic do you consider sexy?

Alice in Wonderland, hot damn!
Batman
Beowulf
Betty Boop
Betty Rubble
Brock from Pokemon
Bugs Bunny in drag
Buzz Lightyear
Catwoman
Cruella De Vil
Cyclops (X-Men)
Daphne from Scooby-Doo
Enid from Ghost World
Fritz the Cat
Grown-up Lisa
Simpson
Hercules
Homer Simpson, he's sweet and funny
Jessica Rabbit
Jughead from Archie Comics.
Kermit the Frog
Lara Croft
Leela from Futurama
Marge Simpson
Mickey Mouse
Minnie Mouse
Ms. Chokesondick (South Park)
Ned Flanders from The Simpsons
Pepe LePew
Popeye
Shrek
Spider-Man
Sponge Bob
Squall from Final Fantasy
Storm (X-Men)
Tank Girl
Tarzan