QUEER QUIPS

Gay marriage: Pro or con?

"The real question is where to register: Ikea or Pottery Barn?"

"I love watching John Fisher getting all Star Trekky about the final frontier for queers, but who really wants the hassle?"

"Yawn. I don't want what everyone else has. Equality should not be based on what has been established before us. Change it up, kids!"

"The word is too similar to mirage. Enuf said."

"Pro! If you're ready for it, why not? I can't wait for a friend to introduce me to his ‘husband'!"

"Pro, of course – it means good business for both my professions: lawyering and DJing. (Yes, I DJ divorce after-parties!)"

Which celebrity do you wish batted for the queer team?

"Ruben and Clay from American Idol. I'd pay money to watch them do it."

"Ashton Kutcher, or Erik Estrada 25 years ago (or any dark-haired man from a famous 70s duo like Starsky and Hutch, the Dukes of Hazzard or Cagney and Lacey)."

"The Virgin Mary."

"I really hope ALF does or else that hand up his butt is a real waste."

"Madhuri Dixit (Bollywood goddess and my all-time crush of the last 15 years!)."

What do you say to that high school bully?

"While you're down there...."

"Honey, that outfit just ain't working."

"Eat my poison jam!"

"Shut your dirty little mouth and fuck me!"

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," or "Paki means pure."

Most traumatic Pride memory?

"1998. Two racist cops harassing us at the Women of Colour float. I had to play my lawyer card to get the thugs to go away."

"Seeing the naked gay boys with funny things hanging off of their penises when I was 12. Now I love the nudists."

"Remembering some of them, period, but especially when the memories hit you in shocks and bolts of lucid horror at family functions during a meal."

"Finding out that my partner went down on an ancient homeless guy."

"They're all a little painful. Wink, wink."

Who do you not want to see gettin' jiggy in a guest spot on Queer As Folk?

"Leslie Nielsen or Martha Stewart."

"Bill Graham. Some closet cases should keep their affairs foreign. Don't get me started on Mary Cheney."

"I wouldn't want to see Brian Linehan doing anything remotely sexual on any occasion. For that matter, I wouldn't want to see Martin Short as Brian Linehan doing anything remotely sexual on any occasion."

"There aren't many I wouldn't watch getting ‘jiggy,' but if I had to choose, it's gotta be Tinky-Winky."

"Elton John. Though it would be cool to see a George Michael cameo in a public washroom scene, Mark Tewksbury scoring drugs, Marilyn Lastman shoplifting at Sears."